The all singing, all dancing blog of Alex Guite

Tuesday, May 16, 2006

Super-investigative-exposé: the man behind the comments

In between all the marriage proposals and signed knickers I've been receiving in my fanmail, I've recently been getting a lot of requests from readers who want to know more about prolific blog comment artist, Gavin.
Operating under various nom de plume, but mostly under his classic tag 'Gav', he has bought us some of the greatest insights of the 21st century. Who could forget the masterly:

London people wear scarves whatever the weather. Fact. Richard Bacon is not cool. Fact. The Sultan is not me. Fact. Alex Guites needs to be done with this. Fact.

Or how about the tear jerking:

Al - update your blog for fizzle's sake. I'm bored of searching the motherfizzling internet for things to read about people I don't fizzling know!

So what motivates Gavin? Why has he chosen to share his sageness and perception through the medium of this blog and not peer reviewed journals? Why does he never wear a shirt in photos?
I decided the best way to investigate this living legend would be to spend a day with him at a fashionable auction house as he expanded his germinating collection of objet d'art.
During a pause in the breathless bidding, I sneaked in the first question. Some people with a penetrating eye for rhyme, have started referring to Gav as 'Gav the Chav'. I wanted to know what he thought about this label.
"You know, Alex", he started, using his endearing method of repeating a person's name as he began his answer, "in my line of work you have to be ready for this sort of reaction. They're probably just jealous that they've never mistaken a large rock for a lilo."
The lilo incident reminded me of another question I'd wanted to ask the Llanishen High School graduate. "You once drank sixteen shots of sambuca in just one club as part of a night out-". He cut me short. "It was eighteen; eighteen shots of sambuca" he corrected me. It led me to wonder whether given the choice he would rather drink pepsi or coke. His answer, as with so many aspects of the interview such as the Jack Russel Terrier which was still humping my leg, surprised me. He raged that I'd offered him a false choice, that I'd tried to trick him with the question and even threatened to end the interview.
I took the interview back on to territory I knew he'd feel comfortable discussing: his much publicised love of Skittles. I asked him about the Skittles advert he'd just finished filming which premiers this summer, a photomontage of his record breaking Skittle consumption feat.
"At the 14kg mark I wasn't sure if I was going to make it, but I knew that thanks to all my training I could get through it. The 17th kilogram was the most lonely kilogram of my life. But once I got to the 20kg benchmark I knew the record was in sight. But I didn't just want to limp past the record weight. I wanted to completely destroy the previous record. I'm not the sort of person who wants to just set stupid records. I want to be the person who sets unbeatably ludricous records."
"So that's why you ate 31.4kg of Skittles?" I prompted.
"Yes." His answer said it all.
As Gavin returned to bidding, this time on a set of art deco gym mats, I left realising that although there is much still to discover about 'Gav' or the 'Big G' or 'anonymous', his answers did shed some light on the mystery that lies within the man behind the comments. But maybe it's not about the questions he answers, but about the comments he makes.
Let's see.


At Wednesday, May 17, 2006 8:49:00 AM, Anonymous Gav said...


At Wednesday, May 17, 2006 12:37:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Ahh the genius of Gav he is correct Richard Bacon is not cool and people in London do wear scarfes all the time.

At Wednesday, May 17, 2006 3:48:00 PM, Anonymous Gav said...

Have reconsidered this post I have realised the one good thing that comes out of it is the challenge. The challenge of tasting the rainbow approximately [31.4 x (average number of skittles in a 100g pack)]. I'm a lawyer not a Physicistsist nor Mathematiciaianain, so please correct me if that equation is wrong. So I put it to you, Professor Guite, that if you supply the skittles, I shall eat them. All of them. Until I am a rainbow, with one end in CF14, and the other in hell.

At Wednesday, May 17, 2006 6:36:00 PM, Anonymous Prof. Hawking said...

31.4kg = 314bags, so better prebook the dentist/hospital/funeral.

At Wednesday, May 17, 2006 9:43:00 PM, Anonymous Whyman said...

Can Hamish come?

At Wednesday, May 17, 2006 10:10:00 PM, Anonymous Gav said...

Why does TBR's Martin Archer hate me?
Why do you disrespect the CF14?
Why has Whyman not surfaced for many moons?
All these questions, and many more, will be answered in tonight's edition of Alex Guite's Question Time. It's not real. It's just for fun.

At Wednesday, May 17, 2006 10:25:00 PM, Anonymous Gav said...

To many it may seem that I have little else to do than write comments on this here blog. The truth of the matter is that today I have been learning about arse and this process of commenting provides a creative output for my bored and weary mind. On other days, I paint pictures primarily in blue, or draw pictures for handpuppets - no, really. Today, I chose to comment. Earlier, possibly somewhere between by 1548 and 2143, I mean, 2210 posts, my life was turned upside by the emergence of quite possibly the largest spider on the planet, nay, in the universe, in the corner above my DVD rack. For those familiar with my room, they will be aware that the DVD rack of which I speak is located approximately 10 feet away from the desk where I was working at the time of the incident, perpendicular to the cupboard in which I store my spare toiletries. That store is primarily comprised of items I have purchased on BOGOF or "Buy Two, Get the Third Half-Price Promotions". Anyway, upon seeing the spider the "CODE RED - LARGEST SPIDER IN THE WORLD, NAY, THE UNIVERSE" alarm went off in my head. Calmly, I put down my quill (Peacock, a fine medium with which to write) and did a slow-motion dive to the toiletry store, landing directly and around the height of the average ceiling, from the aforementioned GIANT spider. Slightly paniced, I realised I had the length of time it would take the spider to drop down the DVD rack and attack, to prepare some sort of defence. I grabbed the nearest thing to hand. High protection (SP15) lotion spray and Right Guard ("Clean"). I covered the spider in a large amount of sunscreen but, to my dismay and increasing horror, it did not die. I sprayed it with Right Guard. This seemed to slow it, but still its onslaught came. I shook the Right Guard in a vain attempt to increase its strength. I sprayed again. A cloud of white engulfed the spider and it fell to the floor. I mashed it's big white body about with a paintbrush that I found by my bed. It moved no more. I was safe.

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 5:26:00 PM, Anonymous a picture worth a thousand words? said...

Basically, i want you to blog about this

Enough Said

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 8:20:00 PM, Anonymous Whyman (the authentic version) said...

Hamish is great!

I noticed the hamish in which you refer to has the same ambitions as me:

"Hello, my name is Hamish and I just love football. At night I dream of playing in the winning team in the World Cup, as I believe if you keep dreaming hard enough your dreams will come true. I hope that my new owner has some friends that I can play football with."

Alas, most of my friends don't play football and my football career peaked during my captaincy of the 3rd Llanishen Cubs team.

To conclude, I think everyone should have a Hamish in some form or other....

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 8:52:00 PM, Anonymous G said...


I love you Whyman.

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 11:31:00 PM, Anonymous TBR's Martin Archer said...

I was that spider.

At Thursday, May 18, 2006 11:47:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Im Whyman
Im Whyman
I love Celtic
I love Celtic

At Friday, May 19, 2006 7:16:00 AM, Anonymous TBR's Martin Archer said...

I didn't say that

The REAL TBR's Martin Archer

At Friday, May 19, 2006 11:11:00 AM, Anonymous TBR's Martin Archer said...

The hottest girl in imperial turned out to be a boy.

but i didnt mind.


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