The all singing, all dancing blog of Alex Guite

Monday, May 15, 2006

Stuff I ate and didn't eat today

I'm always turning down offers from publishing houses to write the latest fad diet. But as a special treat, I thought I'd give you a quick gastronomic tour of my day.
It's revision period and everyone knows that a healthy and well balanced diet is key to good work. That's why today I selected to eat a four person strawberry trifle for lunch. It's got all the major food groups: whipping cream, custard, sponge layer and jelly. I can't claim to have eaten it all myself, after about three servings I had to enlist a little help from my friends. You could say, it was a trifle too much for me. Thanks go to Pete, Tim and Charlie, who showed great panache and choreography whilst eating trifle with a knife.
All popular diets include some forbidden food and my diet is no exception. The big no-no is food with blue plastic in it. Today was a great case in point. Imagine the scene: me, going about my normal business, ready for a quick snack. So I reached into my bag and pulled out a ham and mustard-flavour-sauce sandwich. I'd had such sandwiches before, so as I tore back the plastic sheath to reveal the cheeky snack, I was already salivating in anticipation. But imagine my surprise as I discovered two bits of blue plastic in my food (see diagram for further details)! As Tim sagely pointed out "Dude, that's probably a piece of a catering plaster. I found one in my Mc Donalds once". Basically, the blue plastic indicates that it is a forbidden food.
OK, so for those people reading this who I have already told that I found a plaster in my sandwich, the picture probably looks a little disappointing. You'd probably tell me to eat around it. Initially I agreed with you, "Be a man and eat it" I told myself. Literally nanoseconds later (yes, that's how fast I think on food related matters) I performed a complete u-turn. "How about not eating this and not getting a disease" I decided instead.
So I took it back to Tescos to get my £1.14 back. You would have thought they might have been slightly apologetic after a loyal customer found a plaster in their sandwich. Quite the reverse in fact: I left feeling like it was my fault that some dude had left part of their plaster in my snack food. I guess you could call it finger food. At least I got my money back in the end. I declined the offer of a replacement sandwich.

In other breaking news this evening, TBR's Martin Archer is using facebook as a college networking and dating service. Speaking exclusively to thedudenextdoor, Martin Archer revealed "I've just been poked back by the hottest girl at Imperial. Now I've sent her a cheeky message and added her as my friend". An independent eye witness, Andy Smith, corroborated the story, and added "phwoar" when shown the profile of the 'hottest girl at Imperial'.

9 Comments:

At Monday, May 15, 2006 1:43:00 PM, Anonymous Anonymous said...

Stop trying to stifle rumours that TBR's Martin Archer is gay.

 
At Monday, May 15, 2006 2:17:00 PM, Anonymous Imperial Admissions Tutor said...

" 'hottest' ""girl"" in Imperial" - i've run out of quote marks.

Rumour unstifled.

 
At Monday, May 15, 2006 11:39:00 PM, Blogger Cħarlie said...

Fabulous post there Alex, laden with a generous helping of excellent, witty puns! Keep it up!

 
At Tuesday, May 16, 2006 7:19:00 PM, Anonymous chav police said...

Regarding the last comment of the last blog, the society against Chavs Upsetting the Nations Temper, or CUNTs, has brought to my attention this rather, well, ginger one. It is clear that gav is not a chav, whilst this man clearly is.

Take a look

 
At Tuesday, May 16, 2006 7:30:00 PM, Anonymous gavin (rhyme that bitch) said...

Guite you dirty chav motherfucker! Your name doesn't even rhyme with chav! You shouldn't have told your gaylord friends I was a chav. Now you'll pay when I post online a photo even more incriminating that the one in the post above - YOU KNOW WHICH PHOTO(S) I MEAN! YOU HAIRY ASSED APE. Bet Tom knows too. And Ev.

 
At Tuesday, May 16, 2006 7:31:00 PM, Anonymous Gav said...

Scanning... 65%...

 
At Tuesday, May 16, 2006 7:32:00 PM, Anonymous Gav said...

Scanning... 65%...

 
At Tuesday, May 16, 2006 7:32:00 PM, Anonymous Gav said...

Scanning... 65%...

 
At Tuesday, May 16, 2006 7:33:00 PM, Anonymous Gav said...

What the fuck?! Triple post! Way to go! Woo!

 

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